And other Big Red Gems...

The dating years…

BR: You can’t put green olives on your sandwich. Use a pickle instead.

Me: I really don’t like pickles.

BR: But you can’t use a green olive! It just isn’t done.

Me: Who said?

BR: (Huff!)

The engagement period…

BR: Have you given any thought for what you’d like to do for your honeymoon?

Me: We want to go on a cruise.

BR: A cruise! That’s terrible. You don’t want to do that. Dad and I went on a cruise once, and it was a miserable time. That’s not what you want to do.

(Asked Husby later… apparently they went on a FERRY BOAT across some European ocean and had a shitty time. Ferry boats do not equal cruises. We went on the cruise, had a great time, sang our praises, and now BR and father-in-law have been on three. Hah!)

The first grandchild…

BR: That’s too much detergent in your dishwasher.

Baby: Wahhhhh!

Me: It’s fine.

BR: You’ll scratch all your dishes. Don’t use so much.

Me: It’s not a big deal.

BR: You need to treat your belongings well so you have them around for a while. I never just throw money around and act like things are disposable.

Me: Wahhhhh!

Me: I’ve been doing dishes for 20+ years, I’ve been using as much as I like, and our dishes are just fine! (Note, this is unlike me… it’s called “lack of sleep and being a new parent” – guess it brings out the kahoonas in me!)

During my second pregnancy…

BR: How have you been feeling?

Me: Pretty good. My back has been sore, though.

BR: It’s probably because you were overweight before you got pregnant.

Me: (WTF?!)

In the hospital after Baby#2 was born…

BR: Baby#2 has a lovely color – almost orange.

Me: She has a mild case of jaundice.

BR: No, it’s probably because you drank too much juice when you were pregnant. Did you drink a lot of juice?

Me: No. It’s because she has a mild case of jaundice.

BR: Or maybe you ate a lot of carrots?

Me: No. It’s because she has a mild case of jaundice. Her doctor said that’s what it was.

BR: Those doctors are always over explaining things.

The day we brought Baby#2 home from the hospital.
I’m nursing BB and Husby is napping in a nearby chair. BR just brought Baby#1 home.

BR: Well, I’m off. Can you lock me out?

Me: No. I’m nursing. Husby can.

BR: Can Baby#1 do it?

Me: No, he has a hard time turning the lock. Husby can do it.

BR: No! Don’t wake him up. He’s exhausted. Let the poor guy sleep, he’s been through so much.

Me: (WTF?!! I was in labor for 15 hours! I just gave birth! I haven’t slept more than one hour in three days! My boobs hurt! My vagina feels like it had a rendezvous with a lawn mower! And your precious son needs to sleep?!! Screw you!!).

Me: HUSBY! WAKE UP! LET YOUR MOM OUT!

BR: (Huff!)